*I’m not sure why I wrote this, but I guess I did…very old piece.


“Could you look after my pet?”

It was a normal request. Simple, actually. It was something a friend would ask you when their father was suddenly struck by a heart attack.

Which had actually happened.

“Uh…what kind of pet is it?”

It was a normal question. Simple, actually. It was something a friend would ask you when they didn’t really want to take care of your pet.

“A hamster.”

“A hamster.”


“Uh…I don’t really know much about hamsters.”

Suddenly, my friend whipped out a gun from her purse and jammed it into my nose.

“You don’t know much about hamsters? Well, I don’t fucking care! My dad is in the hospital because of a fucking heart attack, so you better fucking listen! Feed him twice a day, clean out his water hourly, and pick up his fucking pellets!”

I stepped back speechless with the hamster cage in hand.

“Thanks. You’re a real friend,” said my friend, smiling at me as she pocketed the gun.


I couldn’t believe that had just happened.

“Oh geez,” I mumbled, tossing the hamster cage on the ground. “What the hell do I do with this?”

“You fucking pick me up is what, you sorry dipshit!”

I froze at the squeaky voice coming from somewhere near my right foot.

“Yeah. You heard me. Pick. My. Ass. UP.”


I looked down at the hamster spewing expletives like an angry drunk.

“Hurry up before I take this wheel and jam it up your nose, motherfucker!”


I picked the cage up and walked to my kitchen.

“That’s right! Now, you better get some good shit, none of that nasty pet store stuff! I want some REAL sunflowers seeds like that orange hamster on televis—”

I opened the cage and grabbed the shouting hamster.


I flipped the switch for my sink disposal.

“Yo…YO! YO!!!!!” screamed the hamster as I held him over the drain. “HEY MAN! HEY! I was just kidding. Forget those sunflowers. I’m allergic anyways! Come on, let’s just be cool and watch a video or so—UWAAAAH STOP, STOP! THIS AIN’T RIGHT! THIS AIN’T COOL, BROTHER! PUT ME BACK IN MY CAGE. I WON’T SAY A THING! NO, WAIT, I’LL ONLY SAY GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU! DON’T DO THIS, BRO—”

I held a plate over my face and dropped the hamster in the disposal. A horrible squelch sounded from the drain as a thin geyser of blood splashed out.

“Well…that’s that,” I said, peering over the plate. “I’m sure she’ll thank me for this. That was definitely not a fucking hamster.”


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