*I’m not sure why I wrote this, but I guess I did…very old piece.
“Could you look after my pet?”
It was a normal request. Simple, actually. It was something a friend would ask you when their father was suddenly struck by a heart attack.
Which had actually happened.
“Uh…what kind of pet is it?”
It was a normal question. Simple, actually. It was something a friend would ask you when they didn’t really want to take care of your pet.
“Uh…I don’t really know much about hamsters.”
Suddenly, my friend whipped out a gun from her purse and jammed it into my nose.
“You don’t know much about hamsters? Well, I don’t fucking care! My dad is in the hospital because of a fucking heart attack, so you better fucking listen! Feed him twice a day, clean out his water hourly, and pick up his fucking pellets!”
I stepped back speechless with the hamster cage in hand.
“Thanks. You’re a real friend,” said my friend, smiling at me as she pocketed the gun.
I couldn’t believe that had just happened.
“Oh geez,” I mumbled, tossing the hamster cage on the ground. “What the hell do I do with this?”
“You fucking pick me up is what, you sorry dipshit!”
I froze at the squeaky voice coming from somewhere near my right foot.
“Yeah. You heard me. Pick. My. Ass. UP.”
I looked down at the hamster spewing expletives like an angry drunk.
“Hurry up before I take this wheel and jam it up your nose, motherfucker!”
I picked the cage up and walked to my kitchen.
“That’s right! Now, you better get some good shit, none of that nasty pet store stuff! I want some REAL sunflowers seeds like that orange hamster on televis—”
I opened the cage and grabbed the shouting hamster.
“YO! WHAT YOU DOING?”
I flipped the switch for my sink disposal.
“Yo…YO! YO!!!!!” screamed the hamster as I held him over the drain. “HEY MAN! HEY! I was just kidding. Forget those sunflowers. I’m allergic anyways! Come on, let’s just be cool and watch a video or so—UWAAAAH STOP, STOP! THIS AIN’T RIGHT! THIS AIN’T COOL, BROTHER! PUT ME BACK IN MY CAGE. I WON’T SAY A THING! NO, WAIT, I’LL ONLY SAY GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU! DON’T DO THIS, BRO—”
I held a plate over my face and dropped the hamster in the disposal. A horrible squelch sounded from the drain as a thin geyser of blood splashed out.
“Well…that’s that,” I said, peering over the plate. “I’m sure she’ll thank me for this. That was definitely not a fucking hamster.”